quote of the moment

quote of the moment:

Your living is determined not so much by what life brings to you as by the attitude you bring to life; not so much by what happens to you as by the way your mind looks at what happens.

~ Khalil Gibran

Grief can't be shared. Everyone carries it alone. His own burden in his own way.

Anne Morrow Lindbergh

Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/a/annemorrow153204.html#EjJAO6QpHAxPa7jg.99

Grief can't be shared. Everyone carries it alone. His own burden in his own way.

Anne Morrow Lindbergh

Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/a/annemorrow153204.html#EjJAO6QpHAxPa7jg.99

Thursday, November 12, 2015

self care

If you happened to read yesterday's post, I apologize for my potty mouth, the fragmented writing and the anger I unleashed onto the unsuspecting Internet.

You might be surprised to know that I had an entirely different kind of post written.
It touched on the subject of my recent barrage of migraines as well, because for obvious reasons it's been on my mind a lot lately. But it skirted around the edges of my anger, my true struggle, and my desperation. It was the most boring piece of writing I've ever produced and I'm sure I've written my fair share of boring texts. So I went ahead and deleted it.

And then I decided to just write it as it was. Throw in all the ugly and just let it be. No censorship, no editing. I did not think that I would publish what I wrote. I just needed to get it off my chest. My journal would have done the job. It just so happened that my post editor page was open at the time.

And then, as I read through the text I'd poured out of my soul, I decided to go ahead and publish it.

I did realize that it wasn't a pretty post and that my foul language might offend some people, but it felt right. What I'd written down was a true reflection of how I felt. It was authentic.

Sometimes reality is ugly. That doesn't mean it's not worth sharing.

Funnily enough, not half an hour later, my post became obsolete.
No, I did not experience a spontaneous healing. I wish!

I meditated.

Still feeling rather raw I decided to go for a guided meditation in self-compassion.

The odd thing about meditating on self-compassion is that I often end up crying and it usually feels like the greatest possible act of kindness towards myself. It may sound like a contradiction in terms, but it's not. And indeed, yesterday, as I was quietly sobbing, I finally understood where a good part of the anger surrounding my migraines came from.

Apparently I blame myself.

And as that truth coalesced in my mind I also realized why I resent people who send me links and brochures on how to get rid of migraines. It's been a bit of a problem for me, because this happens a lot and it's quite often people I'm fairly close with.

Thing is, that I had my own script playing out in my head.

So, if a good friend sent me a link telling me that there's this ear piercing (I forget the name) that accidentally provides migraine relief, I did not see someone reaching out and trying to help me. I did not understand that someone had seen my struggle and me and wanted to offer me a way out. I did not feel the underlying act of kindness, hear the silent message: "I would take the pain away from you if I could, but I can't. Maybe this link will help. It's all I have."

I heard someone telling me to try harder, try more, and stop moaning about it. I heard that I wasn't doing enough, that I was doing the wrong things, that my migraines were my own fault for not doing everything right. I felt that I was getting on everyone's nerves and I reasoned that after 27 years of living with migraines people couldn't be blamed for expecting me to cope quietly and gracefully.

I was, ultimately, only hearing my own internal judge.
The harsh, unforgiving and ruthless voice was my own.

Turns out I really wasn't doing enough.

In fact, I was doing too much by way of trying to prevent migraines.
And with every migraine that hit me, I ended up feeling like I'd failed. Again.

Here's what I wasn't doing. I was not taking care of myself. I wasn't cushioning the fall; I wasn't dealing with the emotional and physical fatigue in the aftermath of a migraine. Instead of allowing myself time to rest and recuperate from a migraine, I pushed myself harder; playing catch up, blaming myself for falling behind, desperately fearing the next migraine ahead.

Self care.

How's that for an epiphany?

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